Each one of us have had different experiences throughout life, some affected us more than others, some were more painful, some were more difficult to accept and some led us to step into a pattern which seemed so constant and never-ending. A few of these experiences could be caused by the pain which was caused by others towards us – whether it was being criticized, lied to, betrayal, ingenuity, social class, injustice, gaslighting or anything else which hurt us deeply and led us to feel absolutely defeated and contributed to a downward spiral in the way we perceive ourselves as well as other interpersonal relationships in our lives.
However, what we individuals don’t focus on is the aspect of our role – the role we play amidst the negative experiences which we face in our lives. Most of us have probably not even considered it because our first automatic reaction to when someone hurts us or when we face any kind of negative experience is resentment – to blame the other person for having us go through an extremely terrible and painful experience, an experience which emotionally broke us in that very moment. This isn’t to state that the other person is not to blame and our anger and pain is invalid, it is more than valid but now let’s think about it: Is holding this anger and resentment against the other person helping us heal from the pain which each of us in our personal lives are experiencing? Is it reducing the distress in our lives? Is it contributing to our own emotional well-being?
Understanding Why It Is Important
To bring about a sense of clarity, it is important to throw light on the fact that there is no healing in resentment which is where taking responsibility for our own actions becomes important. We need to acknowledge and accept the fact that we cannot change another person, we cannot change the way they are and how they perceive the world – what hurt you may not be a big deal for them and that comes across as extremely invalidating leading you to feel more hurt by the situation.
You are not responsible for the other person’s actions but you can be responsible for yours and acknowledging even that 1% of responsibility leads to a path of acceptance and self-healing away from resentment and anger. We all have been in situations where we are aware of the idea that we are being treated the wrong way and despite this idea, we continue to remain in that same situation – this could occur because of our own inner world and experience, our own biases, our own perceptions and emotions or due to our own denial towards not wanting to accept the reality of the situation as well as the person involved but just this simple idea is what maintains that distress in our lives, it is what deeply affects our concept of self as well as our ability to maintain other interpersonal relationships in our lives. When we constantly fail to acknowledge this idea, we directly divert our attention towards changing our environment, the idea of changing the other person instead of changing ourselves and due to this, it eventually leads to a less likely prospect for change and healing from within us.
Acknowledge and Understand
Focus on why the distress still exists – identify your own thought pattern, your own actions which eventually become a pattern – these are all contributing factors. To reach a place where we realize our own role in the experiences which hurt us, we step onto the path of creating our own life predicament, we individually will develop the power and control over our past experiences as well as our future too, we will alone have the power to change our situation. Our emotions will belong to us, not anyone else – our vulnerability and our pain won’t be in someone else’s hand, it will just be ours.
Don’t overlook your emotional well-being – instead work on the amount of awareness each and every day, work on the things you want to change as an individual, focus on what you can do differently in situations – working on yourself is what will eventually help you heal from the emotional turmoil and trauma – how you feel is in your control and it’s about time each of us start believing that instead of letting other people define our pain or contribute to how we feel about ourselves as well as our other interpersonal relationships.
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